After begging my child to go back to sleep in the morning, lay down for a nap in the afternoon, or go to bed at a respectable evening hour because “mama be tired,” I often find myself the victim of cruel irony — wide awake at 3 AM, listening to neurotic chatter cloud my mind.
In the latest attempt to go back to sleep, I started writing down the panicked ponderings that plagued my brain. They are, in case you were wondering, as follows:
- Whether it would be cheaper to move to Denmark than send my child to a university in the United States in 16 years.
- 2. If that mole on my right butt cheek is cancerous.
- What my husband really means when he says, “Motherhood suits you.”
- If Goldfish dye is stunting my child’s growth.
- What my in-laws really mean when they say, “Parenting has sure changed.”
- If I work too much.
- If I don’t work enough.
- If that mosquito bite on my left boob is actually cancer.
- If the hostess at the potluck knew those cookies weren’t homemade, and not gluten-free.
- If gluten is stunting my child’s growth.
- How to be gluten-free without starving.
- If it would be indecent if I occasionally asked my husband to replace sexy-time with nap-time.
- What my mom friend really means when she says, “Your parenting philosophies are so unique.”
- If my inner-critic has been channeling the mean-mommy I met at the park.
- If my child will be offended when he reads everything I’ve written about him.
- If my child will learn to read.
- If the tiger, monkey, and precocious little Latin girl on TV are stunting my child’s growth.
- If the Real Housewives are stunting my growth.
- If my child will need braces.
- If braces are cheaper in Denmark.
- If the end of the world is just one flap of a butterfly wing away.
- Where all the missing socks have gone.
- If my inability to keep plants alive has any correlation to my mothering skills.
- If I should have another baby.
- If my first baby will try to sell my second baby.
- If we should just move to Bali and live off the grid. Yes, yes we should.
- If sunscreen is killing or saving us.
- Why I have a disgusting compulsion to stick everything I pull off my child’s face into my mouth.
- If I should make use of my time awake and just go for a jog. No, no I shouldn’t.
- How much coffee I’ll need to function tomorrow because I’ve been up all night obsessing over obsessing.
And that’s a wrap. Funny thing is, these questions rarely warrant much of my attention in the light of day — except the sock thing, that’s the eternal conundrum.
What’s the strangest thing you find yourself contemplating in the middle of the night?