It used to be that you grabbed your bag, jumped into your car, and went on your merry way to wherever you needed to go. But now that you have a baby? Getting out of the house requires the production and coordination of staging a Broadway show.
Sigh if the following checklist sounds familiar:
- Attempt for days to get to the grocery store or just out of the house. Fail.
- Realize that you have been talking to yourself entirely too much and that today is the day you are getting out of the house to reclaim some sanity.
- Change the baby. Then change him again five minutes later. And what is up with that pee-with-poop-chaser thing?
- Ponder taking a shower but settle for brushing your teeth.
- If you are nursing, briefly consider taking off the nursing bra with spit-up stains on it that you’ve been wearing for three days straight (including to sleep), but since you only have a few nursing bras, decide to wear it today, too.
- Grab whatever top and bottom are handy and/or fits you.
- Wonder what the statue of limitations is on wearing maternity clothes after you’ve had the baby.
- Dress baby in cute outfit because he’s all anyone cares about seeing anyway.
- Snap photos of baby, because you only have eleventy billion.
- Feed baby, then burp him for what feels like twenty hours as you ponder how you never appreciated all that free time you had a month ago.
- Baby keeps falling asleep during feeding.
- Tickle baby’s feet, blow on his face, apply a wet washcloth to his belly, and do other baby torture to get him to finish eating.
- OMG. Are you ever getting out of the house again? Begin to seriously doubt it.
- After baby spits up, feel baby’s onesie/outfit for wetness to see if you can get away with not changing him.
- Experience the fleeting delusion that your baby is judging you for not changing him.
- After the baby spits up again, give in and change him into another outfit.
- More photos! Those baby feet! Swoon.
- Try not to over-bundle baby, but over-bundle baby anyway.
- Wait, what’s that smell? Oh, poop.
- Place baby in the car seat or stroller, then go get his hat that you forgot.
- At the front door, realize that your pants are on backwards.
- Don’t care.
- Feel proud of yourself for remembering to bring the diaper bag.
- Realize there are no diapers in the diaper bag.
- Actually get out of the house and feel like you have just won the lottery.
